The Non-Defeatist Attitude…

Lately I’ve been feeling really defeated about this whole work situation.  Nothing has really changed since the last blog about work (When did my JOB become... WORK??).  If anything  it has gotten worse.  My co-teacher and I are on super stress mode, pretty much all of the time.  Either, I’m feeding off of her negative energy OR vice versa.  Despite our best efforts to be positive, something always sends us spiraling back to Negativity  Land! It’s horrible and awkward!!  We still don’t know who we can trust, or if we can trust anyone at all.  Most of the people seem spurious and vague.  On Monday, everything is fine, but by Tuesday, it’s undoubtedly questionable.  I feel as though I’ve pretty much hit my point.  Leaving is LONG overdue.  No, I’m not a quitter, but I’m ready for something to happen and fast, because at this stage in the game,  I can‘t afford to have things stay the same!  Stress continues to mount, tension  is still high, and spirits are still being stifled.  You can see it in people’s eyes and if you’re in tune enough with your surroundings, you can even feel it.    In addition to that, my “family” is dropping like flies.  If they haven't been shipped off to other centers, they are being forced out & replaced, OR they are just leaving!!

Stress has gotten to me so much, that I’m loosing touch with my children and each day I feel less motivated. I’m hesitant to do anything; I know it’s only a matter of time before they decide to push me out and replace me as well.  Not only that, they don’t seem very appreciative of us.  I mean, we work out butts OFF and the more we accomplish the more they dump on us.  The more children we take care of, the more they enroll.  Part of the problem is, we have entirely TOO MANY children in our class, but as long as we aren’t over the allotted 1:9 ratio (18) in a day, everything is just peachy with them.  I really do feel like I’m at my wits end!

So, I went home on my lunch break today, BEGGING God for a new job!  Nothing specifically happened, but I’m just tired of sucking it up everyday.  Tired of pretending that everything is okay, when it’s really not.  I’m just ready to work at a place where I can be me, be recognized/appreciated for my talents and abilities.  I’m ready to work at a place that I can look forward to going to each morning, as I once did here.  A place where everyone doesn’t seem so estranged, cold and fake. 

I have been applying everywhere, with no luck… YET.  I know it’s coming and that it’s all a matter of me being patient, but I’m tired of being patient.  The way I feel, quitting would almost be a relief, except for the fact that my bills wouldn’t get paid.  Anyway, all of you know me well enough to know that, I’m not going to quit before another job presents itself.  BUT, at the rate things are going, who knows what might happen. 

Anyway, in all of this mess, God still finds a way to encourage me.  One of my friend’s took a picture next to a sign that says:  You can’t until you say you can and in an email I received, I was reminded of Hebrews 10:35: “So do not throw away this confident trust in the Lord. Remember the great reward it brings you!"  

It's safe to say that I won't be giving up on God, but my goal is to find a way to better deal with this situation, before my head explodes!