What a Difference a Year Makes

September 2, 2010 began a course of events (in the 6 months that followed) that would change my life forever.  In August, I could practically FEEL the winds changing. I kept saying, “God is up to something.” Little did I know, He was preparing me to take one of my biggest leaps of faith yet!

In the Wednesday night sermon, the night before, Pastor Andy spoke on fear.  He encouraged us not to be controlled by our fears, especially when it keeps us from doing what is right. At work the next day, I made a careless mistake.  We all make mistakes, but this one would cost me my job, my source of income, stability, and comfort.  Just as I was thinking “what am I going to do without my job,” I remembered what Pastor Andy said.  So, instead of ignoring my mistake, I confessed it.  I confessed it, confident that God would take care of me because I was doing what He expected of me…. I was being honest. I held my head high as I walked out of building that day, knowing that it wouldn’t be long before everything turned around.

The next day, in a time when I needed her the most, my Mom bailed.  As many parents do, she wanted what was best for me.  The only problem was, her best for me didn’t actually benefit me.  It was simply the best option for HER and when I refused to comply, she refused to be around. Two weeks later, I was in a car accident, out of town, that wasn’t even my fault! I got that fixed and two weeks after that, the ESC denied my unemployment. I looked for jobs like crazy, but nothing happened.

Finally in December, I was hired by the most amazing family!  It had snowed the night before, so the roads were icy and the schools were closed, but it happened just like this: I applied for the job, she called me back almost immediately, we discussed logistics and set up an interview for an hour later (they lived 2 minutes down the street), I went to the interview, I was hired on the spot, and started the next day! Two days later, my relationship crumbled, but I picked up the pieces, taped it back together (as best as I could), and held on for dear life because it was the holidays.  Who in the world goes around breaking hearts a week before Christmas?  Things got worse from there; I didn’t realize that I was holding on when I should have been letting go, but that comes later.

I was desperate for a chance to start over, so I couldn’t have been happier to see 2011! I was so excited about my new beginning, too. So excited, that I was oblivious to the fact that it hadn’t even begun.  Remember that pieced together relationship I mentioned? How could you forget? Well, it exploded and my heart with it. The explosion was a clear indication that I should have let go the first time, instead of trying to piece it back together. The “blast” forced me to let go and I was strangely, no unbelievably, content with that.

Not too long after that, I began to feel unworthy of God‘s love. He had done so much for me and I felt like even my best attempts to do right, were nothing but failures.  Not only that, rebuilding after a “storm” is never an easy task; I began to get overwhelmed.  My seemingly “unworthiness” to God,  rebuilding my finances, embracing my “singleness”, and accepting my Mother‘s absence (by this point I‘d missed every special holiday with her, including her birthday), became too much and I decided to give up. Yes, I attempted suicide.  BUT, He still didn’t let me go.  I thought I was doing Him a favor, but He did me one instead. 

Living, in spite of everything, has changed my world.  Even at my worst, God never let go of me.  My faith, though it wavered at times, somehow got stronger and I made it through. I’m alive and this time, I’m REALLY living! In the past few days I’ve gotten emails and text messages, life never stops.  Two very important people in my life have been to the doctor in the past few days and the reports aren’t good. Another one of my friends is dealing with fear; scared of being hurt, dealing with nonsense, and risking their heart with the chance of it being broken again. This blog is especially for those 3 important people and anyone who is going through it--whatever IT may be. Your trouble will NOT last long. Sure it maybe a few months before things start to look up, but this won’t kill you, so don’t be afraid.  I’ve been there and it wasn't that long ago. Trust me when I say, you will be just fine. In a year, you'll look back at this and you'll be able to smile with a grateful heart, just like I'm doing today.