Love Deferred

I love him!  He's the sweetest man in the world and even better, he loves me back.  I waited to so long for someone to love me like that and it was perfect, for a little while.  Once I took my blindfolds off, I was able to see things clearly.  The down side to all of this LOVE?  Love is just NOT enough.  Having a future with someone depends on compatibility, or at least more than not. We, unfortunately, are just too different.  Yes, we do have ONE common goal, but we have different ways of achieving it.  We have different perspectives on God, money, work, and education.  Our commonality was having children, but from there our perspectives split, once again.  Of course there were other issues, but we've all been hurt/bruised/damaged, right?   

It's hard for me, because I had to be "bad guy,"in  making the best decision.  Beforehand, I knew two hearts were going to be broken and I knew there would be no way to salvage either.  In the long run, I'll be able to look back on it and say, 'it could have been worse--thank GOD it wasn't!'  Of course, right now, I'm constantly kicking/questioning myself?  Did I do the right thing?  Could I have done something different?  Was there an easier way? 

Loving someone takes a lot of you and even more, when it's the wrong someone.

Now, I'm not saying that you're not supposed to love people.  You all know me better than that!  What I'm saying is, when you put your all into loving someone who isn't the person you're going to spend your forever with, it requires a bit more effort.  A LOT more effort.  You put up with issues, preconceived notions, and even suspicions, because you think it's necessary.  You deal with it, until you're close to breaking.  I know!  I spent so much time trying to prove myself, faithfulness, and love that it became more of a hassle than anything. 

I keep telling myself that I've made the best decision, the only problem is my heart hurts.  I miss him. TERRIBLY!  I miss hearing his voice and our long conversations about nothing.  I miss sharing my day, nights, and in between with him.  When things went wrong, he was always there to tell me that everything was going to be okay.  He'd even try to fix it.  My feelings mattered, even if/when they were all over the place.  He was patient with me and he loved me more than I could have ever imagined.  I waited for that, for so long.  I miss meaning something to someone, to him.  It's hard and it hurts, especially since I was the one who pulled the trigger.  I broke both of our hearts, leaving us to pick up the pieces...alone. 

I know love and being in love isn't completely effortless, it takes work, but I don't want to spend forever, in love, being overworked and underpaid.  I know God wants me to be patient, because it builds character and endurance and all ( you know the verse) but it's so hard!  I keep telling myself, someone better is coming.  Something bigger, more beautiful, and even more amazing!  All the while, I feel like, 'I missed my chance!'  Deep down, I know I haven't, but I can't shake this feeling.  I'm ready to belong to someone, the right someone.  I deserve to be with the right someone. 

Don't I?