Really...

I can't believe you think I don't care! None of your words have EVER cut so deeply. I've tried a thousand times to tell you how I feel and you've never understood. You always thought my love was some sort of infatuation. You said it was the sex. It was good...never denied that...but I always loved you. More than I could ever express or explain and I still do. I never knew I could love someone so much. NEVER. What's worse? You never believed me. NEVER.

Almost 3 years ago (1/28), we hung out for the first time and that very first day, I felt something for you. With each day that we spent together, it grew stronger. You still can make me laugh and smile like no one else can. You can make me angrier than anyone else can too, though. I gave so much of myself to you, that I never thought I'd be myself again. There were times when you were all I lived for. I would do anything for you then, ANYTHING. Buy you a cashmere sweater, spend my last dime to help you pay a bill, take care of you when you were sick, or make dinner (just because). Whatever it was, if it meant I'd see you smile, I'd do it. Without hesitation.

You on the other hand, hesitated EVERY TIME I was in need. You never once just said okay when I asked you for something (which was hardly ever), I always had to practically beg. When I was dealing with things emotionally, you'd give me a quick hug and say comforting things like, "just stop crying--it's annoying". I needed a place to stay and you told me to exhaust my options. I help you pack up and move, but when it was time for me to move you weren't even around. You even lied to me and said "I love you" 3 times in one night for sex. The next day, you blamed it on the alcohol, but wanted to meet my mother?!

When you needed someone the most...THE MOST, who was there? I didn't even need to be there. You didn't need me there; you had your family there to comfort you. You walked around me like I was invisible. Your family had to introduced me to other members of your family. You even talked about me, while I was in the next room. I put my feelings aside to be there for you and even then, you treated me like a nobody.

I got tired after awhile, threw my hands up and said, "What's the point?" You didn't love me. You said you never would and you said we would never be together. What else was there? I wanted to be exclusive and you didn't want "just" me. I wasn't enough for you. You needed more. Finally, I asked myself, "WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR" and walked away. I felt like I'd given you enough. It was time for me to do things for me. You never loved me and you never wanted to be with me, so I figured you wouldn't miss me when I left anyway.

So, because I purposely didn't acknowledge your birthday, I don't care? Almost 3 years, I've been your friend. I've done things for you, I wanted more but accepted your position, AND I've given when I really didn't have--financially, mentally, and emotionally. Can you really say that I DON'T CARE? Do you really believe that? Or are you just THAT selfish that you want me to keep caring for you and neglect myself, my happiness, and my sanity? I'm supposed to call you and check up on you for what? So, you can not answer or return my phone calls and then feed me some crap like, "I was busy; I didn't want to talk then?" No thank you.

What you fail to understand is, I've always cared. I cared TOO MUCH. I probably always will. It's who I am, it's in my heart to care. That's the way God made me. You knew it all along. You used it to get what you wanted. You never once had a regret, did you? You felt like I was obligated, because you were so used to it. Of course, it didn't bother you until you felt like I stopped caring.

Seriously, 5 months of "not caring" will never compare to 2 1/2 years of caring more than I ever needed to.